Legend of the Period
by PhoenixTears625
Summary: Kahlan gets her period and has to explain it to a clueless Richard. Crack!Cara and Crack!Zedd. Normal Richard/Kahlan.


**Legend of the Period**

The oppressive sun was high in the sky, shining down on the fourteen fallen D'Haran soldiers lying upon the forest ground. The grass was stained red with their blood as the corpses lay in a mangled heap.

Heavily panting, Richard bent down to clean his sword, wiping it on the only bit of grass he could find that didn't have D'Haran remains smothering it. When he stood straight again, he turned towards the eldest member of their quartet.

"Zedd, burn the bodies." Zeddicus nodded knowingly and extended his right arm; a jet of wizard's fire shot out and scorched the carcasses.

Cara slipped her Agiels back into their holsters and strutted off to seduce the nearest tree.

Kahlan bent over to tuck her daggers back into her boots and then hobbled off, clutching her stomach. She fell back onto a large rock, bent double and stifling a cry.

Richard looked around for his love, and when he saw her sitting on the rock, her eyes shut, he rushed over to see if she was hurt.

"Zedd! You'd better come here- I think Kahlan's hurt!" Richard crouched next to her, grabbing her hand. "Did one of those D'Harans hurt you?" he growled menacingly, glancing over at the burning bodies.

"No Richard, I'm fine," Kahlan attempted a smile but it looked more like a grimace to Richard. Just as he was about to reply, Zedd bounded out of the forest, flailing his arms about wildly.

"Done burning the bodies, Richard!" he squealed. "What seems to be the matter with young Kahlan over here?"

"She's hurt Zedd, but she won't tell me what's wrong!" Richard fretted.

"I'm fine Richard!" Kahlan shouted a bit too angrily, getting up and stomping towards Cara (who was intimately involved in the tree at the moment).

As Kahlan hurried towards Cara, Richard got a glimpse of a dark red stain issuing from the back of her white confessor's dress. He gasped and jumped to his feet, running after her.

"Kahlan, you're bleeding! You _are_ hurt!" he called after her frantically. She turned to face him, when she heard a cackle of immense proportion coming from behind her. Cara, who was now straddling the tree, had burst into laughter staring at Kahlan's backside.

Kahlan turned her head ninety degrees, glancing down her back. She flushed a deep crimson and began backing away from Richard. Richard turned his attention toward Cara, who was laughing fit to burst, still staring at Kahlan. Richard sped up to the spot where Kahlan stood and grabbed her arm forcefully.

"Kahlan, seriously, just tell me what's wrong!" he gave her a small smile of encouragement, which she apparently mistook for him laughing at her.

"Stop making fun of me!" she looked hurt, and yanked her arm out of Richard's grip.

"Making fun of you…what-?" but he could not complete his sentence for at that moment, Zedd skipped up to them and put his arm on Richard's shoulder.

"Stop worrying about it, Robert my boy, she'll be fine in a day or so." Zedd nodded.

"A day or so? Zedd what's- wait….Robert? My name is Richard…" a look of confusion replaced the look of worry on his face.

"Oh…sorry Ricardo." He amended. Richard rolled his eyes- Zedd was getting old.

Just as Kahlan was about to say something, Cara strode up to them and kicked Richard in the balls.

"Stop being so stupid and support your girlfriend, Richard!" she screamed in his face. Richard fell to the ground, clutching himself in pain.

"What are you talking about…?" Richard croaked, completely befuddled.

"God Richard, you use that phrase EVERY DAY!" Cara yelled again. She then began to dance sexily around Zedd, who looked very pleased indeed.

Richard ignored their antics and turned back to Kahlan.

"Kahlan, please- what's wrong! Just tell me!"

"You really don't know?" her expression softened, but Richard looked puzzled as ever.

"I LIKE IT WHEN YOU TOUCH ME THERE, PANIS!" Zedd shouted from somewhere to their left. Richard didn't even bother to look around, his eyes still focused upon Kahlan.

"No, Kahlan, I honestly have no idea what's going on."

Kahlan was about to reply when she let out a short moan and gripped her stomach again. Richard seized her under her elbows to steady her, while she panted and balled her hands into fists.

"Lets sit down," Richard rushed her over to the nearest rock and gently let her go. "Now tell me what's wrong." He begged.

"Well…"

"WHATS THAT MAGICAL SEX ANTEDOTE YOU NEEDED PANIS!" Zedd cried.

"FOR THE LAST TIME- I AM NOT PANIS!" came Cara's voice. "I'm done with this." Cara stampeded through the woods towards the clearing where Richard and Kahlan were sitting.

"Wait, Panis!" Zedd moaned, running after her. "I'm having your baby!"

They both appeared in the clearing, Cara looking disgruntled and Zedd's face tearstained. "It…needs its father….." Zedd whispered in Cara's ear.

All eyes turned to Kahlan as she began to speak.

"Well…it happens every month, but only to women. And well- we bleed… a lot...from…down there… It's what happens when you don't have a baby inside you. And it lasts about a week." Kahlan looked down at her feet awkwardly.

"And it hurts?" Richard looked concerned. He didn't much like the idea of bleeding for an entire week straight. Any man who bleed for week straight was definitely dying.

"Well, sometimes. But that only lasts for a day or so."

Richard looked up at Cara, who was smirking at Kahlan's displeasure and embarrassment. "Is this just for Confessors?"

"You are mentally unstable." Cara scoffed. "It happened to EVERY SINGLE GIRL IN THE ENTIRE WORLD from the ages of about 12-50. It only stops while you're pregnant with a baby."

"And then the stork brings them!" Richard looked excited at finally knowing something.

"I will _kill_ you." Cara spat.

Meanwhile, Kahlan spasmed on the ground.

Richard looked aghast; his eyes wide and mouth agape. He glanced once more at Kahlan, who was now screaming in pain, the red stain becoming ever more prominent. He promptly fainted.

He woke up to Cara poking him with a stick.

"Hey guys, he's actually not dead."

"Damn it! I was about to make some Richard-Beef-Jerky!" Zedd howled.

Richard sat up- a fire was roaring in the center of their campsite. Kahlan was sitting next to it, in a new dress, smiling down at him.

"Thank the spirits, I feel so much better!" she beamed.

"It's gonna take me time to get used to this…" Richard sighed.  
"You don't even have to deal with it!" Cara had a bitch-fit. Then she strolled off and no one questioned it.

"Maybe you should wear a dress to get used to the femininity of this world!" Zedd bounced up and down.

"No absolutely not. That's only you, Zedd."

"I need a new corset!" Zedd whined.

"NO! I GET THE NEXT CORSET WE BUY!" Kahlan rampaged angrily.

Just then, Cara reappeared in the campsite holding two melons. "I found food." She said. "Its not meat, but it'll do…"

"I HATE MELONS!" Kahlan yelled again. She stomped off into the woods, grumbling deeply.

"Now what's up with her?" Richard looked exasperated.

"Probably just PMS." Cara explained.

"What's that?" Richard gasped. "A disease?"

Cara abruptly punched him in the face, knocking him unconscious again.

"Let's go Zedd, pack the bags."


End file.
